i handle failure about as properly as a man handles a hooker.
can't imagine settling a land or even changing a habit- breaking or conquering.just doesn't happen when tears come from
oversleeping,
missing a workshift,
then locking the keys in the car.

maybe i'm doomed to childhood.

Thoughts

She worked in a nursing home where death was just the end part of life. nothing more, nothing less.

All Dressed Up And...

I am Sartorialist perfect, new skirt, leather back, jewels on my sandals and gold metal threaded through my hair. take my picture, come and admire.

the paparazzi style flash photograph me as i run
into
my
parents
dirty
minivan

I am 18 and in 37 days I will be 19. It is the weekend and-
no,i'm not going to be a member of the girls=-gone-wild faction of the "FREAAK OUUT PT 2!" party invitation I got on Facebook.

i.am.going.with.my.family.

To where, we don't even know, cuz we can't decide and everyone from little brother up through mother has their opinion and its now an hour later and i'm still sartorial clad in the middle of a bench seat with fastfood wrappers on it waiting for mom to give the dog her medication.

verse

paper lanterns
glow so softly
catch on fire
quickly too.
write my dreams in
paper lanterns
and hope they don't
burn you.

Movie Review: Alice In Wonderland

Movie: Alice in Wonderland
Starring: Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter

Anyone who knows me is aware of my absolute respect and awe of Johnny Depp. I love his acting, his creativity, his clothing, his voice, his hair, beautiful face and body, bizarre movie roles, his facial expressions, his quirky ideas, bashful red carpet presence,thoughtfulness, his secret hideaway island, paintings...quite nearly everything.

so you can imagine delighted I was that this Alice version was coming out. Directed by Tim Burton, I was certian it could be nothing but fantastically strange.

Wrong.

I am very crushed and reluctant to admit that it was very poor. So unoriginal! The plot was not according to the Alice book, but a very forced and old story line of rescuing the land from the "evil red queen" to give back to the "peaceful white queen," the rightful owner. yawn!
Alice staples were all included: talking flowers, Tweedledum and Tweedledee, the chesire cat, white rabbit, all the trimmings..but in EXACTLY the same manner they are presented in every other Alice version! Nothing stood out.

The script was edited to give Johnny maximum performance. The Mad Hatter's role was widely expanded to a sort of leader for the red queen resistance. I am devastated to say I saw nothing new in him. I mean, he had all the facial expressions, and odd walking I so familiarly love, but he added nothing NEW to it! Almost as if he was just riding his own success-which is nothing like the Mr. Depp I love. He had a few great moments, yes, and his character wore thimbles on his fingers (love!), so there were some redeeming factors, but so much fewer than I expected!

This is long for a movie review, I know...but there you go! I take it so personally that this movie was so unoriginal and flat. I have faith in these creators- they have life and spark! I've seen past work-Edward Scissorhands is relentlessly captivating-and I know they're capable of better.
So why, why, did they settle for this?
Why does anyone settle? WHAT GOOD IS SETTLING!!!???

Jamacian

“Will you wait for me?”
“No.”
“but I’m scared”
But you’ll go alone.
Eyes don’t open.
Eyes can’t open.
Back dots in brown circles on white balls
And you shake it till it dies
Because it was never alive, anyway.
And why can you keep pushing and persisting
And I can’t get out of bed
And you’ll never stop
And I’ll never win
And I don’t even know the game we’re playing.
Assert: “you’re sensual”
Reply: “I like to feel”
“no black dots in brown circles on white balls for you-
You’re aware. Sensual”
“I like to feel.”
“and you can and you’re alive
Red, blue, orange swirl
Float on color.
Rough, smooth, silk, stone,
Rub your skin.”
“Did you know how much I love
A squirt of lemon on my tongue?
Jolt, jingle, refresh, awake.”
“And you can feel it all.” and she’s jealous
And he wanders into the night
To enjoy the touch and taste and smell and color of air.
And he smiles
And she’s jealous.

Blog Lovin

Follow my blog with bloglovinof

Apparently, Blog Lovin is useful for spreading your blog and making it easier for others. I have no idea. There are so many things going on online all at the same time...it feels really overwhelming, sometimes. How can you keep up with everything? The internet is wildly huge. So much going on, every second, somebody screaming out to the world their latest ideas and thoughts. Somehow, some of them rise to the top, make money off of endorsements and get book deals/front row fashion seats/art gallery expos/famous. Who wins, and why?

Some days I just sit at my computer, clicking "next blog" over...and over...and over...until my mind is swimming. Everyone is saying something, in hundreds of different languages, in thousands of little towns. And what does it matter? and who really notices? and am i just another little cry into the blackness of cyberspace?

Well, that's just my little rant. Taking even my blog internally, eh? Well its what I do.

Alexander McQueen...gone.

Today one of my favorite modern designers, Alexander McQueen, died. I know usually I post fashion posts on my "nothing but lovely" blog, but this fashion incident has hit me...internally.

McQueen was 40 years old. He committed suicide. His work is one of absolute tortured brilliance, a creative mind far beyond that of "just a designer," yet he couldn't surpass his messy life story.
Alexander said he knew he was a fashion designer from the time he was six. For the too-few years he designed couture, there never ceased to be gowns that would drop my jaw. They were far beyond fashion shows: they told stories and confronted issues. His first show, "Highland Rape" was a bizarre...yet it was purposefully unsettling. In 2004, his models were all dancers...and they danced out in their costumes. Beautiful! Only a few years ago, he created a whole fashion show around a huge trash pile in the middle of the floor. What was he trying to say in all his designs? I'm trying to understand.
I know that he was in love with nature; that is obvious just from his pieces. He used birds all the time...feathers, wings, paintings of birds, literal stuffed birds perched in a model's hair. Flowers...gowns made completely from flowers, gowns with flowers painted on, flowers on faces and hair and shoes. Vines, trees, clouds...everything in the outdoors he was inspired by and included...so he saw it was lovely. Did he not see that the Creator of all that he admired was even more lovely?

A few years ago the woman who discovered him, named Katherine Blow, also committed suicide. Recently, he "married" his male partner, their union to last less than six months. On February 3rd, his mother died.
Obviously, things were not well with Alexander. With all that pain, he hung himself, only this morning.


A man with such uniqueness, such an eye for beauty. It hurts me more than I can sensibly express to see it all thrown away. Wasted. Only 40...so much ahead of him! To have the talent he had, and to see him slowly disintegrate...how can God not just sit up and heaven and cry?
I'm so sorry, God, for all of the captivating creativity you have so generously presented your children. I don't understand why we don't use for what you intended it and appreciate the gift.
I really don't understand.

Song Of The Day: Falling Slowly

Warning; don't listen unless you're ready to cry.

Falling Slowly
By The Swell Season

This song has one of the most emotional tones of any song I know. Every time I listen to it, I'm overwhelmed with the feeling. Technically, its so very simple.

But its not.

Its soaringly beautiful, I hope it effects you like it effected me.

Maybe later I'll tell you the story of Glen and Marketa, the couple who make up the Swell Season, the artists of this song.

Humanity

I'm sitting in the library at school. There's humanity surrounding me, everywhere. More specifically, my age humanity. People in coats and scarves studiously bending over books and computers, trying to succeed at school. Only a few of us speak, the rest go about doing our homework silently, as if we were the only ones here.

It confounds me, when I stop to think about it. Here we ALL are! Brilliant, creative, unique individuals with reasons why we're here, and reasons why we don't want to be here. There's so much life here! The man next to me is Asian, wearing a hoodie with a fur collar. His hair is all bleached blond in the front, and short and black in the back. The man on the other side of me is black, he's all bundled up, and he's researching African history. I don't think they even know I'm here, they're so set on exactly doing their jobs. There's another young man in a yarmulke, and a girl on Facebook.
Such original faces. There should be such loveliness! But there isn't, we just go about our work. No connection. No conversation. No sharing of this collegiate world we're all stuck in.

Does anybody else think of this? Is anyone else wondering how to break out of this pattern? Am I the only one who doesn't understand this distant, incurious school routine?

I just don't get it.

Song Of The Day: A Kiss With A Fist

Florence + the Machines

A Kiss With A Fist

Definitely a wierd one, I'm curious as to reactions. I've heard that female violence has gotten a lot worse lately-as if somehow females have felt empowered to

be more mean and vicious than males; we've become the abusers.

Is it that?

Or is Florence reacting to some jerk who threw her over?

I'm not sure, but I find it quite an interesting song (listen to the lyrics!) and I kinda sorta love her outfit here.

Uh, if you hate it....sorry! I'm getting stranger and stranger....

Movie Review: What's Eating Gilbert Grape

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Starring: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Juliette Lewis

My movie favorite list has been pretty permanent for some time...the last time i changed was several months ago when I added East Of Eden. Since then, most of the happy-ending movies were pithy, and the artistic movies were depressing. I need both.

YES!

What's Eating Gilbert, I will disclaim right at the front, is not a happy movie. It tells the story of a messy family. The film centralizes on Gilbert, on whom all the burdens of the family rest. The father is no longer with them; his story is slowly revealed throughout the film. Since the loss of her husband, Gilbert's Momma simply sits on the sofa and eats, frozen in her hurt. Her youngest son is extremely mentally disabled. On top of caring for both mother and brother, Gilbert is the only capable son and is responsible for providing for the family, including two other sisters. Obviously, its a story full of ache.

But its so compelling, because every character is perfectly acted. They are beautiful, broken humans. I felt them! Maybe that's just little miss Taken Internally, but I was so involved. Every character is intricate and detailed, and at the same time so very understated and mild. Johnny Depp is a master, flat out. And Leo...well, he's unbelievable. Really, its inconceivable how phenomenally he plays Arnie, the handicapped boy. I was enthralled.

Only watch it if you're prepared to handle messy characters and lots of lost beauty. But maybe that's why I loved it...they were lost beauties, but they were trying, and wanting, so badly to regain what they had lost.

Surviving On Musicals

I know I haven't been posting much lately...I'm sorry, I can't think of anything to say. In fact, I can barely get myself through each day. I've never had days that took so long to get over! They just stretch on and on, with no purpose in them.

If you knew me, you'd laugh. I'm the girl on a mission. Who is always stressed because there isn't enough minutes to do all that MUST be done that day, all the school and paintings and novels and pieces of fabric all waiting for me to get into them and create something. You wouldn't recognize me now, I'm afraid.

I feel embarrassed to cry, so I've created a new outlet for my girlish emotion: musicals and old films. I must watch one every night or I absolutely lose it and can't carry on. I've gone through them voraciously, Sabrina, High Noon, Gone With The Wind, and Fiddler On The Roof have been my latest conquests. I eat them whole, consuming the luscious, intricate costuming, clever and thoughtful dialogue, uplifting force-you-to-sing scores, or epic wide-screen scenery shots.

I'm waiting for a rescue, or at least for school to start, but until then, thank God for old movies! Anyone have reccomendations for any more? I don't care how grainy the black and white is, or predictable every line is, I just need food for survival!

Oh, and if my posts are all about old people for the next...say, 10 posts, I'm sorry. I can't help it, its all I'm living off.

Tale of an Early Ancient

can you be too old at eighteen? it doesn't seem like it should be possible, but i feel just old. so old. an old body, old eyes, old ideas, old friends, old conversation...everything...decrepit.

i spend so much time not moving...sluggardly sitting on my bed, or on my sofa, or at my desk, or at the dining room table, or in front of the fire...always, always sitting. i'm so sick of sitting. its all making me sort of sick and disgusted.

worse of all, i'm so old that i don't even feel like i can get up and do soemthing about it...like i'm just going to be this crumbling elderly all my life. and the whole time i'm screaming at myself, "how can you be so foul!?" but my muscles have already atrophied and melted, and my bones are brittle, and to top it all off my head is so weary that it can't even command attention from my ancient body.

I watched Bend It Like Beckham...horrible movie, never watch it...but i sat with drooling envy of the lithe, lean, tan and healthy bodies of the soccer players. they were alive with energy, alive with compeition and eagerness and action. I wanted to be them so badly!

but its cold outside and my head just hurts if i think of doing something active. and so i sit. years passing as hours. waiting for something to aliven me. something that will probably never come unless i bring it myself...but alas, i am that fool.

Song Of The Day: Lullaby

Lullaby By Priscilla Ahn

Song for closing your eyes and smiling.

She grew up in both Pennsylvania and Korea, since her mother is Korean. She has a simplistic, elegant style to her music. Priscilla plays both guitar and piano, which I'm utterly jealous of. She was waitressing, depressed, and just about to quit music when she made friends with Joshua Radin, a beginning-blooming indie artist, who introduced her to other indie artists, and....viola! a hit EP and a bit of a name. I think she'll only get bigger.

She just started a blog,

girlinatree.blogspot.com

it's really girly and young and...well, just some girl!

Lullaby

Just Plain Hair Girls

When me and my sister were little, we used to get along beautifully.

We had our own world, that was very sensible and steady to us. I think I'm about forgotten about that world, now. But once in awhile I think of something that reminds me of it.

Me and sissy had "Just Plain Hair" girls. They were the girls who we couldn't think of anything to say or do with them-they were just there, with the hair on their heads. And that was all. The Just Plain Hair girls were a branching from the "Just Plain Nice" girls. The Just Plain Nice girls were those that were nice and pleasant, but not much else. It was better to be a Just Plain Nice girl than a Just Plain Hair girl.

We thought of them both when we went out to dinner with Amber and her roommate Colleen. Amber was my mother's God-child, about fifteen years older than us, and in college. Mom loved Amber, and was attempting nicety to Colleen. We went to some Rancho tex-mex place, where Sissy silently listened to the conversation at the table. In our ow room at night, we made our observations: Amber, who was very sweet but never took any interest in us, was Just Plain Nice. As for the roommate, we could think of nothing about her but her huge, curly, streaky mane. She was our first Just Plain Hair girl. We spent the night giggling about it, and randomly added other people in the categories as when time went on. Nobody else ever knew about it.

Funny, I haven't thought about that for years. But come to think about it, they were great categories. Lots of people fit in them. Then, we didn't like the people in those categories very much, but now, there are so many worse categories, I've come to appreciate the Just Plain Nice girl.

Movie Review: Burn After Reading

Burn After Reading

Starring: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Tilda Swinton, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand

I had pretty simple reasons for wanting to see this film; I love Brad Pitt and I'd always wanted to see a Cohen brothers film. I've been reading reviews on their movies for years, but never actually watched one, because they were all so dark! I almost always hate dark films.

Burn After Reading, though also dark, was also supposed to be a bit of a comedy, and starred my beloved Brad, so I decided to give it a try.

Bad plan.

I laughed a total of three times-solely when Brad was shown in a brilliant performance as a gym-instructor simpleton.

The rest of the film misery. It told an involved story intertwining 6 middle-aged people, all going through some kind of crisis.

George Clooney's character is a cowardly philanderer trying to keep all his middle-aged women pleased with him at once.

Tilda Swinton's character is a snappy, sour woman who despises her husband and actually believe's Clooney's character will eventually marry her.

John Malkovich's character, Tilda's husband, has been recently fired and is furious with the world.

Frances McDormand's character is a pathetic single woman also working at the gym, and also one of Clooney's lovers, hoping to get plastic surgery and reinvent herself.

Somehow, when Frances and Brad find what they think is a CD containing high-security CIA information (Tilda stole the information from her husband's computer in an attempt to get a divorce, and accidentally left it at the gym), they try to use their find to sell it for money. Through a series of stupid confusions, half of the characters end up dead by the end of the movie, in a frantic chase for what is really nothing but Malkovich's bitter memiors of his job.

The movie ends with two CIA agents, trying to understand the whole mess and put it behind them permanently, sitting in an empty office.

"And what have we learned from all this?" one asks. The other shakes his head, replying

"Jesus Fucking Christ. I have no idea."

Which pretty sums up the whole movie. 1 2/3 hours of selfish, shallow, foul-mouthed idiots.

I will admit I loved Brad's character in it, and almost found it worth it for him. He plays a quirky, loveably loser with such believable facial expressions and manner of talking I swear everybody will think of someone they know. Just him constantly chewing gum made me laugh.

I have no idea what Ethan and Joel Cohen were thinking, I suppose to expose the darkness and gloom of middle-aged bitterness. I'm sorry for them.

Song Of The Day: Oh Love

Oh Love

by

Brad Paisley

and Carrie Underwood

Brad wrote this gorgeous song, and since he's become friends with the gorgeous Carrie Underwood, he invited her to sing along!

Its a sweet, gentle little song, I personally love it.

Both Brad and Carrie are very gracious people, and are starting out the new year happily:

Brad is at home with his lovely wife Kimberly Williams-Paisley and his two children, and Carrie just got engaged!!

Oh Love

Ode To Ice Cream: The Lesson

I was so excited, you know,

when I discovered the Edy's 2 for $6.00

I scanned the flavors eagerly,

determined to find the two very most

absolutely delicious.

Finally, I found them,

in their icecreamy glory,

Pink Peppermint

and

Mocha Chip Espresso

and with my treasured loot, i checked out

and rushed home to delight.

But home, with my two ice cream cartons,

a glass sundae dish,

and a spoon,

i suddenly ran into a dilemma:

In my haste to choose my two very favorite flavors,

i had completely forgotten,

to chose flavors that matched!

No one in their right mind would eat mocha espresso and pink peppermint at the same time.

well, i wasn't in my right mind,

I wanted them both,

and so both i consumed.

So first I ate the espresso,

and without even stopping to savor the fresh, snappy flavor,

I dove into the peppermint.

until I discovered-

i couldn't taste the peppermint!

my taste buds had been ruined by espresso,

and now the peppermint was muted and nothing.

I was absolutely distraught,

but i kept eating it,

sure that somehow this tastebud trauma would wear off.

My friend, it never did.

So the moral of this story is twofold:

one, don't try two mismatching ice cream flavors at the same time,

and

two, don't grab for everything wonderful at once- you might get nothing!

Song Of The Day:

Run

by

Benton

Paul

I'm sorry I've been so few and far between with my Song Of The Day choices, I thought I'd do more...hopefully i will in 2010!!

Benton Paul is a newbie on the music circle. He's been touring with American Idol alum, especially David Archuletta and Michael Johns. He's from Utah, and has a lovely, friendly personality. Happily for me, he signs off his blog posts "God is love. Music is in the trees and the air you breathe." Which I think is quite a cheerful way to say goodbye.

This was a free download on itunes a month or so ago, so maybe some of you got to enjoy it then.

Take a listen!

watch Run

Movie Review: Becoming Jane

Movie Review: Becoming Jane

Starring: Anne Hathaway and James McAvoy

If you don't love Jane Austen, there really is no point to seeing this movie, I don't think. Some may say that the story is fascinating and valuable without any interest in Jane Austen, but I think if you don't love Jane, you'll just be angry at this sad story.

I think its fair to warn everybody that Becoming Jane doesn't end like you want it to; any Austen fan would know this from the beginning, anyway.
Jane never found her Mr. Darcy. But what was it, then, that led her to write such clever, beautiful, and happy novels? Becoming Jane shows exactly how her writing developed, what led her to write what she did, and all she went through and sacrificed.

I loved the film for Jane's snappy dialogue, so cleverly showing Jane's talent for words in her conversation. Its a prim, stylized speech, much like Pride and Prejudice, where the audience has to pay close attention to understand the underlying meanings of the spoken words.

I also loved the way the director had of weaving in scenes and moments that later showed up in her books: a smarting conversation during a country ball, Darcy's run through the rain, etc. Watch carefully!

The movie is well done, with talented actors and actresses bringing these people of the past to life. The settings and costuming is fascinating of course, with all the old fashioned trimmings.

If you can take the sadness, do watch and enjoy. Otherwise, save your movie time for something easier on the heart.
Personally, I find the happy ending in the loveliness of her novels, that have lasted all the way into this new decade.

To the kid who wrote "Paul Newman as Butch Cassidy" as his favorite movie character

To the kid who actually does color inside the lines with a new coloring book, because they want to make it look pretty:

To the person who has put the lines to an obscure Sulfjan Stevens song, instead of a Hannah Montana poster or "I <3>