"She's a remarkably attractive woman."
"isn't she?"
"there's a certian quality about her, a certian fineness. she seems to be absolutely fine and straight.....i don't know how to descrive the quality. i suppose it's breeding."
I closed the book because I had to go to bed, firmly deciding i wanted those words to be said about me. somehow, i wanted people to immediately notice there was a "certian quality" about me, that i was different and unusual. "absolutely fine and straight" something original and attractive. i definitely wanted that to be me, i decided firmly. i had two days to make it work, two days until college started and i had the chance to be this new person. i stood up and stared into the mirror. there i was, myself. a pretty girl. i'm a pretty girl, especially at night when my eyes somehow get bigger and brighter, and my hair has been messed throughout the day and now looks nearly beachy perfect. I close Hemingway and place the book on the counter, quite sure that I will be Lady Brett Ashley in school. yeah right. When you read his Farewell To Arms, you thought you were going to be Catherine Barkley. Now i felt convicted. I had fallen in love with so many women, women i'm sure were going to be me. somehow i was convinced that i could be perfect pieces of all of them. well, why couldn't i? why couldn't i be wide-eyed like Catherine and refined like Brett, while being playful like Zooey Deschanel and ice queen like Angelina Jolie. I could be it all, right? No. At that exact moment, staring into my bathroom mirror, it occured to me. to try to be all of them at once would make me none of them. it would make me an unclear, silly little girl who nobody is interested in because she wasn't anything. she had no defintion. i couldn't do it. i would really have to choose. choose just one, just one of my many female role models who i had treasured. each time i saw one on tv, read a character, watched a character, i would become her. i couldn't do that. i just had to be.....
Kate.
2 comments:
Agreed. Insightful
I've been here many times- enamored with a certain playful and charming character that people are just drawn to. Sometimes I feel that romance novels are like porn for women. Addicting, and giving a false view of romance, a false view of men, and a false view of what women are to be.
Had I not all ready responded to your earlier blog, I'd go into how much easier I find it to be myself when I'm simply being instead of trying to remember who I am and act accordingly, but I shant rehash, as it seems you've come to this conclusion anyways.
But I will say that I'm not just being polite or optimistic or irrationally pleasant when I say that there is no "just" Kate. You are the most unique person I've ever met. That probably is part of why, after a week spent among strangers, two people became life long sisters and friends. I truly haven't met a person like you anywhere, and I doubt I ever will. There's something about you that drew me to you immediately- And that is probably part of why we became so close so fast. You're easy to get close to. You have a passion about you. A love for life. A love for beauty. A beauty itself. An honesty. And excitement. A fun nature. A charm. A sparkle that radiates even from the way you stand. If I were a male, you would probably be the topic of most of my poems. Maybe you will be a topic anyways! A joy. A love. A confidence. A people loving, deep thinking, free spirit. No one can help but notice and be intrigued.
There's just a certain quality about you. And it's absolutely fascinating.
That just made my day!!!
Thanks so much, love.
Sitting here at 11:20 with 250 more test questions to practice and a paper to finish, that was a much needed boost.
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