Understanding Kate

Do you know what I hate? What I really really, absolutely, just cannot stand. Its helplessness. No really, that's it. I hate the feeling of helplessness. That sensation that spreads over you and lands like a pile of mud in the pit of your stomach, heavy and dense and disgusting.

When I know I really just can't do anything about something- that this is the way it is and I don't know how to change it, I feel like I'm going crazy inside. I really can't express what it is, inside of me gets so jittery and and pressured and I literally feel like my body's exploding. The helplessness of it pounds inside my head behind my eyeballs, and punches me from inside my chest.

I've had so many of those moments recently! And they've all been little, but they feel so massive to me.

The night before finals, I my textbook disappeared. I cleared out every inch of my house searching for it, but as I sat in the middle of my upturned floor at 3:30 am, I knew I wasn't going to find it. I was going to head into a final without any preparation whatsoever, and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to scream.

One of my friends is always being told his gay, so I told him about my other friend who everyone says was gay. Neither of them are, and I was encouraging him not to be discouraged. However, I was being an idiot about it and said, pretty loudly "yeah, everyone here thinks he's gay. Like, everyone, I was the only one who fought for him." Guess who was standing behind me? It was the most sickening feeling-what was that going to do to our friendship?

I hate not having any control over a moment. Knowing what happened, happened, and there's nothing you can do to change it. It upsets me to the very worsest degree.